August 29, 2016

The Core

It’s day 242 of writing these daily posts, so what the hell is there left to say? I can’t bring myself to talk about work anymore. It’s busy. It’s interesting. It’s different. It’s going well.

I also need to take a break from the grief and the sadness until the end of this week. So where doe that leave me?

I am listening to The Smiths for reasons I don’t feel I need to explain.

"How can they look into my eyes
And still they don't believe me
How can they hear me say those words
And still they don't believe me..."

Transported back in time- I am twelve years old and listening to the album on vinyl on my dad’s stereo. There is no one home, because both my parents are at work. The music is louder than my mom would like if she were home. I am dancing in a way that kids at school would call ‘faggy” if they saw, and I might be wearing some lipstick. It’s alone time with music and nothing else ever matters at times like this. The world makes sense alone with loud music.

"Oh has the world changed, or have I changed?
Oh has the world changed, or have I changed?"

Morrissey is coming to Singapore, and although I spent many afternoons lost in the music of The Smiths, I have no desire to see him. He has lost his appeal. But playing these old songs tonight has been fun.

I am surrounded by a dull numbness. A writer’s block that demands to be fed, but refuses any sustenance. It is not attached to any emotional baggage. I have been honest and clear with myself about the tension of my new job and the process of grieving Karen’s passing.

All of that feels under control, but when I remove those things, there seems to be little left at my core and so writing about other things feels like a chore.

I think I need to refill my core with some things other than grief and work. This week will be a challenge with a particularly busy week, followed by my trip to California, but I am on the market for some new things on which to dwell.

A project. Some art to absorb. Perhaps a better book. I need to get back into my running routine.

"Please, please, please let me get what I want this time..."

What do you fill your core with?

August 28, 2016

Crimson Sleep

The haze is back and when you first get up in the morning it feels pretty shitty. The achy joints, the groggy head, the tearing yourself away from a world of dreams to one based in reality is always a tough sell, but today was a good one.

Watched the girls learn to hustle and get their game faces on as they scrimmaged a frustrated boys team to an 18-18 tie. Kaia was a ball-stealing, rebounding machine. So great to watch her gain confidence as she dribbles and shoots and passes on the court. I really hope this is something she sticks with through at least middle school.

A quick lunch and then a few errands from home, one being a purge of old clothes to The Salvation Army and putting together a book trolley for Kaia’s room, which involved an hour long trip to Ikea to get a replacement broken screw. Don’t ask.

Then a pleasant Sunday evening BBQ with friends. We chatted, grilled and ate while the kids played among themselves.

That was it. It was a simple day the way days are meant to be simple. Not much to think about, nowhere for thoughts to really dwell. Now it is nearly eight, though it feels much later. No work to do tonight and the lights are low, the music is soft and the wine tastes like a glass of crimson sleep. Tonight feels like the sigh before a big week, but I am ready and excited.

August 27, 2016

Life is Filled

We were walking home from dinner. It was getting dark and Kaia was holding my had as we strolled down the sidewalk. She had burned her hand earlier while making cupcakes all by herself, so she had warned me to be careful.

I wondered how many other times and in which cities in the future, I would hold her hand as we strolled the streets on the way home from dinner. I imagined her in her twenties and we would be somewhere in NYC or Paris or Bangkok.

“I am sad about Twinkle,” she said out of the blue.
“Me too.” Where was this going to go. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this talk. I gripped her hand harder. Squeezing it a little. She pulled away slightly. The blister from the burn.
“I still don’t understand why she needed to let go.”
“I think she was just tired sweetie. And scared and in a lot of pain.” I could feel the tears welling up.
“I just wish there wasn’t such a thing as death.” I didn’t have the heart to go into any kind of explanation.
“Me too. I’m just glad you go tot meet her and have memories of her. She loved you and Skyelar very much. She told me every time I talked to her, what amazing, beautiful girls you two are.”
“I’m gonna miss her. Even thought I didn’t know her very well.”
“Me too. Me too.”
"Be sure to hug Thomas for me when you go back home."
"I will sweetie. I will hug them all."

We walked the rest of the way home in silence. I thought about future nights and future meals and future walks in future cities. I thought about the future, because the past was just too heavy to carry home between the two of us.

We saw Captain Fantastic tonight and what a beautiful tender film. Well written, shot and directed. Great music and cast. It was really thought provoking. Some things it made me think about in no particular order of importance:

We should swear around our kids more and allow the use of “inappropriate language” when it is appropriate. Never liked the idea of “bad words.”
Never lie to kids and answer them as best you can- accurately and factually when they ask questions.
I miss my beard and not combing my hair all summer.
We should have some time to sit and read as a family. Time when every member is reading their own book, but it is a collective family act like watching TV.
Death is the best time to celebrate some one’s life.
Life is filled with joy and boredom and struggle and confusion and wonder and music and compromise and confusion and and and ….life is filled.

Anyway, the movie tugs at your hearts strings, make you laugh and cry and all the things that film should do. If you have a chance check it out.